


Schrodinger's Equation

by StudioCapsicum



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudioCapsicum/pseuds/StudioCapsicum
Summary: Short drabble about Phil's thoughts on finding Melinda.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone on the chat is writing fluff so I thought you might enjoy some angst.

He couldn’t lose her again. He’d lost too much and she was all he had left. Back against the wall, he slid to the ground, knees pressed against his chest. Various plans to find her were swimming in his mind, but one thought overcrowded them. What if she wasn’t there to save?

Loss had become a constant in his life; and before, he hadn’t been afraid of it. He’d been angry. Furious. How dare the world take someone from him again. But there he was, sitting in the corner of his room, knees hugged tightly to his chest, just trying to keep his breathing steady. Breaking apart wouldn’t help find her and he was trying so hard to keep it together. Wishing he could bring himself to break something, scream or punch a wall, he stared around the room wild eyed, but couldn’t move off the floor. He couldn’t be furious anymore because he knew he was just terrified of losing her.

He allowed himself those few moments, painstakingly wiping the tears from his face as he noticed his hands shaking. That had never happened before. Not when he gathered himself up after losing Audrey. Not when he pieced himself together after Rosalind died in his arms. Not when he was brought back to life or when he attended his parents’ funerals. He knew that if he changed his train of thought he’d be strong enough to find her, but doubts were screaming in his mind. He’d never lost someone and brought them back before. If he looked for her now, all he’d find would be more emptiness. Bile rose up the back of his throat. 

Melinda had been his rock; she’d stayed with him when others left. He didn’t want to be the one who broke that, leaving her when she needed someone most. Phil began struggling to breathe as he rocked back against the wall, his hands grasping his head, fingertips bruising the skin beneath. Screwing his eyes shut, he tried to ignore the world that was burning down around him. He couldn’t find her dead. If he never moved forward, he would never have to deal with the loss. Almost laughing at his deeply flawed logic, he steeled himself, knowing what the right answer was. He just couldn’t commit himself to the possibility that she wouldn’t be there to find. 

He wanted his best friend next to him, telling him what to do. Advice had always been her forte, and she’d know what to tell him, how to piece him back together. She’d tell him that the situation was akin to Schrodinger’s cat, and he just needed to open the box. He could open the box for her. He’d do anything for her. 

Struggling to breathe, he raised himself onto his knees, even such a slow movement threatening to make him throw up what little he’d been able to eat that day. She’d be mad at him for that too. Pausing for a moment to stabilise his thoughts and his head, he gradually began to stand. He’d never felt more uncoordinated in his life, his legs trembling beneath him as he leant on the wall for support. But he couldn’t stop. He had to find her. He refused to give up on her just because he was terrified. If anyone was coming back to him, it was Melinda.


End file.
